Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
(Colossians 3:21 ESV)

She and I were never able to see eye to eye. Nothing was agreeable between us. This so called “relationship” had sadly been one that harbored resentment from early on. At about age four, mom called me into the kitchen, “Drink this.” I reached for the cup and was mortified. “Mom, No! I hate hot milk. You know I do. I can’t drink it. I hate it!” I was nauseated by the smell alone! The mere thought of tasting it was about to send me to the bathroom vomiting! Honoring my parents was something I strived to do but I’m failing her again.

In angst she poured it over my beautiful floral nightgown loosely fitted over my freshly bathed body. Immediately I ran to my dad. “Papí!” One look at me and he knew. I stared at my clean nightie in tears as I headed back to the shower. Dad was always my refuge. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me and I understood that. From the distance, I heard him yelling at her and through my sadness, there was delight streaming in my heart that she was being reprimanded.

As an adult, little did I know that although my dad would always protect me, I later learned a side of him that ultimately spiraled my life out of control. It rendered me confused and unable to cope with everyday life. It completely shadowed all the heart warming and protective experiences I’d cherished. I no longer saw him with the same lens.

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15 ESV)

Our greatest folly is sin. A toddler will break something and blazingly state, “I didn’t do it!” I’ve seen it in my own children when one cut the other’s hair! It’s innate. Couple that with parental strife will primarily result in a wide stretched road shaping our upbringing to reflect undesirable choices. The years to follow were filled with rebellion. Teenage pregnancy. High School dropout. Drugs. Never yielding a bond between mom and me. I loved her but never sure of its’ reciprocity.

There wasn’t adequate discipline to demonstrate acceptable and encouraging behaviors. Instead the consequences always led me to be told I couldn’t stay there anymore. No compassion. No correction. No talk. Just leave. It only perpetuated my desire to be as far away as possible. But if peeked closely into my heart, the broken pieces would mirror the darkest colors of sadness.

For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
(Matthew 6:14 AMP)

For years I blamed my mom for the choices I made. It was all her fault. I held her accountable for my poor choices. My failures. My inability to adequately parent my baby which eventually birthed a myriad of problems and my innocent child and I suffered unfortunate consequences. The invaluable unlearned lessons. My character was defining my humanity. I’d grown tired of pointing the finger of blame. I began to question if honoring my parents was something I should do despite all that has happened.

I was yearning for transformation.

Change is so hard. But not impossible. It had to start from within. Deep down in those chambers resided grief, sadness, envy, and confusion. Why did it have to be this way? I needed to reframe my thoughts. Don’t question “why”. Instead ask “how”. My heart had to be transformed. Circumcised. I needed to let go of all the toxicity, forgive, and be forgiven.

There wasn’t anything I couldn’t do if I just asked God for help. Key word, “if”. Therefore, not seeking Him to guide me and show me how to be different would’ve hindered progress. One thing I was certain of. God forgives us “if” we forgive others. No brainer. I needed His forgiveness. I wanted to forgive.  There was a growing desire to be obedient to His Word and by default, I dearly love my parents.

Slowly, my heart softened. I can’t remember the exact moment when forgiveness was birthed. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me toward honoring my parents. But it was a gradual process. However, finding love through Jesus Christ, offered a sense of peace that replaced the memories that tormented me for years. I began to be intentional about the various ways I can express my love. Forgiveness was paramount to relational growth. It’s the only way to prosper.

Understanding who mom is required a background check.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
(Galatians 6:2 ESV)

In order to make sense of something that seems incomprehensible, sometimes we need to time travel into the past. Decades before me. A glimpse into her childhood. What was that like for her? Her parents? In doing so, it’s learned the affliction endured by a raging father and her mother’s inability to express emotional connections.

Often, we’re a product of our environment. It’ll mold us. We’d like to foretell the impact these experiences will have on us. But in truth, the outcome often surprises us. Typically, not one that’ll offer the assurance we need in our hearts to thrive. Children, young and old, will make foolish choices, and some will place themselves in harm’s way because they just can’t see the weight of their choices and the outcome that awaits them.

Often, these patterns leave trails of burnt ashes.

Our circumstances were different, but our experiences mimicked a reflection of brokenness. My awareness of the challenges she faced brought me to my knees. Consumed with empathy. She didn’t know any better. No model. She did the best she could given all she had been through.

I’m so sorry mom.

“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
(Ephesians 6:2-4 ESV)

This journey hasn’t been peaches and cream. It’s been rough. Retraining your thoughts and aligning your heart requires God’s wisdom, discernment, strength, and peace. It’s delving into His Word daily reinforcing what love, grace, and mercy looks like. Honoring my Father in heaven helps me breath. It sustains me. It catapults my desire to honor my parents to new heights.

I’m clueless why my dad committed unspeakable acts and the shame it brought me. Although I was never on the receiving end, for many years I couldn’t get passed it. Whether or not he sought God’s forgiveness before he died remains a mystery. Nonetheless I found it in my heart to forgive and allow myself to remember all the years of love he showered over me.

Knowing that I still have my mom is a priceless gift. My hopes aren’t just to speak love but exemplify what it looks like through deeds. I adore her. I want her to know that I’ll do all that I can with the power God gives me to ensure she’s cared for. May I be an aroma that brings life, regardless of what season we’re in. One that would reflect the knowledge of Christ in everything I do and everywhere I go (2 Cor. 2:16). Deflecting the anxiety churning within when opposition arises (Job 30:27). In death and in life, I’m honoring my parents. The rest I’ll leave to God.

I LOVE YOU MOM!

Is the inability to forgive hindering God’s command of honoring your parents?

Dear Lord Jesus, there isn’t anything I’d rather do than to honor You. Your love for me has forever changed me. The way You’ve equipped me to forgive my parents leaves me in awe because I never thought it was possible. Your grace, mercy, and love demonstrate that with You, all things are possible. I admit, sometimes, this road presents poster boards bringing to memory that which I’ve chosen to surrender to You. Strengthen us Lord to continue the path leading to You. Help us forgive and be forgiven, always cherishing and honoring our parents. May we love them for as long as we live and support them in every way as You equip us.

It is in Your Son’s Name Jesus we pray.                                                Song: I Can Only Imagine
Amen.

God bless you and yours.
I love you.

In His Grip.

Esther

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