If you [profess ignorance and] say, Behold, we did not know this, does not He Who weighs and ponders the heart perceive and consider it? And He Who guards your life, does not He know it? And shall not He render to [you and] every man according to his works?
(Proverbs 24:12 AMP)

As I ponder what I would do if they’d killed my daughter that night, rage consumed me. Hate in my heart. I can’t imagine any of them getting away with it. No matter the cost, her name would forever be etched in their memory. I’d make sure to that. I don’t how but I’m resourceful, and I’d certainly find a way. If I had to search high and low, no problem. I. Will. Find. Them. They. Will. Pay. A judge will find them guilty and they’d be sentenced for life without parole!

I would spring into gear. Muster everything I’d learned throughout my life. Yes. They’re not smart enough to live off the grid. No doubt. No mercy. After all, they didn’t have any for my daughter. Why should I for them. Let their parents suffer my plight. Let them feel my pain. Let them feel my emptiness. Let their lives change forever. All five of them. It doesn’t matter how young they are. It doesn’t matter all they’d miss out on. I’d never forgive them! Why should I?

My breath heaving as the uncontrollable tears saturated my face!

As anger continued to creep deeper into the crevices of my being, believing they’d deserve all they’d get, a voice speaks to my heart. Not understanding it, I dismiss it. But it begins to weigh heavier and heavier and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It’s telling me, “Sin is crouching at your door. Be careful about what you seek. You will not achieve the desired result you’re striving for. Instead, it’ll yield the very thing you’ve come to hate. Murderer. You’ll be arrested and imprisoned. You’d be taken away from your surviving daughters. You’d be taken away from future memories.”

If you plan to do evil, you will be lost; if you plan to do good, you will receive unfailing love and faithfulness.
(Proverbs 14:22 NLT)

I wanted to feed my beliefs. Justice for my daughter. Often, for various reasons, crimes go unsolved. Untried. Forgotten. Not her. Not. My. Daughter. I would have been her voice and my daughter would not have fallen through the cracks. But why was I entertaining those “What if’s?” Thankfully, her life was spared! Saved by grace. So why think about what never happened? Yes, it could have, but it didn’t! Shouldn’t that have been my focus? To appreciate she is still here with me.

Our mental construct is a driving force. It’s a place where good and evil reside. Each battling to conquer the other. Wanting dominion to rule the vessel it lives in. My whole life I’ve struggled with these forces. Always reacting to how others acted toward me. Rarely thinking of the consequences that awaited me for the choices I had made. But certainly, feeling the brunt of those decisions every time! Nothing ever went unnoticed. God saw and sees everything! I do mean everything!

We’re tempted to sin because of the evil desires that live within us. Therefore, we’re vulnerable to temptation. The instant we psych ourselves to think we aren’t, we’re subject to falling harder. We must wage war against our temptations to avoid sin. Unforgiveness, rage, vengeance is all sin. It doesn’t matter if we manage to execute a plan of retribution, the mere thought alone has caused us to sin. Barbaric things will happen, and we can’t turn to false comforters. If we do, we’ll be lost. It’s only through the love received from God that any good can come out of this.

Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.
(James 1:20 AMP)

As I look back in retrospect, I’m so grateful and blessed God was calling me out of that darkness! During that season, my journey with Jesus hadn’t begun, and therefore, I didn’t realize it then that it had been the Lord who was knocking on the doors of my heart. Wanting to come in and teach me another way to live. To release the bitterness. To surrender it to Him. He wanted to show me what it looks like to love instead of hate.

He demonstrated that both require the same thing to thrive. I couldn’t understand what that meant. But He pointed out they needed to be fed. Thought. Imagination. Deposit. Choice. Action. Whichever one I chose to nourish and place in my heart will be the one cultivated. I felt the conviction not to do as the wicked do. Not to even think about it. Instead, take the other path and keep moving as far away from it. It was so hard to not give in to my flesh! But I knew I had to eliminate temptation before it gives birth to something I’d forever regret. We can choose life or death. Prosperity or disaster. Blessings or curses.

Temptation is anything that promises satisfaction at the cost of obedience to God!

God, in His amazing grace, was revealing the goodness of His heart. Despite that I never saw myself as a prize, He was telling that He died for me. For my sins. I. Was. His. Prize. And He mine. He deemed me worthy enough to die for. He suffered and forgave His executioners. Forgave me. And just as He did so, I’m to do the same. I needed to forgive those who wanted to kill my beautiful amazing daughter that cold festive night. Because you see, He died for them too. Just as He died for those who ended His human life.

The sacrifice that screams love!

 I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].
(Philippians 4:13 AMP)

I knew what I needed to do but didn’t have a clue how to do it. Where do I begin? I didn’t want to continue having those thoughts and feelings of anger that hindered me from forgiving them. Believing that Christ forgave His murderers, I also wanted to do the same. But this was hard! I mean hard! I wasn’t strong enough to let go of the resentment!

I had to fall to my knees and seek His forgiveness!

I couldn’t take a highlighter to pick and choose what I would believe in the Bible. It’s all or nothing! I had to trust Him. His promises. His love. His sacrifice. Take deep breaths. Choosing Jesus over all things. Be intentional seeking Him moment by moment. Believing His might will strengthen me. It took time. In fact, initially, I had to fake it until I made it. Because as much as I wanted to believe, I had doubts. I may not be able to please God and glorify Him with my being, so I had to fight my way through.

I couldn’t give the enemy the satisfaction of continuing to steal, kill, and destroy!

I appeal to you therefore, brethren, and beg of you in view of [all] the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies [presenting all your members and faculties] as a living sacrifice, holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God, which is your reasonable (rational, intelligent) service and spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and perfect [in His sight for you].
(Romans 12:1-2 AMP)

Reading His Word daily was fortifying me. Verses just started to jump off the pages. I swallowed all of it. Sometimes I understood. Sometimes I didn’t. It didn’t matter. I was being fed with His Manna! Slowly change started to happen. Peace was replacing the hate. Love purchased occupancy in my heart.

I was no longer shackled by unforgiveness!

My faith in God has become my foundation. My fortress. My shield. It has enabled me to do what I couldn’t do in my own strength. The Lord’s love for me is given to me daily, freely and abundantly. He taught me and continues to teach me that I can do hard things. I can forgive the unforgivable. I can pray for their salvation. I can surrender it to Him who holds all things in His Hands. Through His grace, an empowerment becomes available to overcome the challenges that cripples us into a paralytic state.

I don’t know what became of them. But I pray that each of them has found their way into God’s loving arms. I pray that their lives have been surrendered to Him and are now serving Him. Sharing their testimonies of God’s grace and mercy that resulted in saving them from eternal death.

Doing what’s right honors God.

Our faith is constantly being challenged by all the things that opposes God. As the years pass, I’m learning Christianity isn’t a playground. It’s not something to take lightly. It’s not something to engage in only when it feels right. It’s a battleground. Therefore, temptation is looming and we  can’t submit to the flesh so that its desires may be satisfied. Our only submission must be to Jesus! And our submission must be done daily!

Are you finding it impossible to forgive someone?

Dear Lord Jesus, Your love for us overwhelms me bringing me to my knees! You’re more than enough Lord. You’re excellent in all Your ways! Lord, in Your suffering here among us, You forgave those whom You came to serve, love, and save. You forgave me! Lord, You gave Your life so for us, exemplifying how we may be able to give ours to others. I didn’t know how to forgive those youngsters, but You taught me Your grace was sufficient for me. You gave me all I needed to fulfill that commandment. You showed me I can do hard things through Your Might. Lord, so many of us struggle to forgive those who have hurt us. Help us Lord to free ourselves by surrendering it to You. Trusting only in You to be our Comforter. Help us forgive them for they know not what they do Lord. To ask for their salvation Lord, that they may seek You all the days of their lives. Thank You for helping us do what we can’t do in our own strength Lord! Help us with the Peace that surpasses all understanding as we strive to forgive others. With You, we can do hard things!

It is in Your Son’s Name Jesus Christ we pray.                                   Song: A Heart That Forgives
Amen.

God bless you and yours.

I love you.

In His Grip,