Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.
(Matthew 25:13 ESV)

I was getting sick and tired of him telling me how to live. It’s been eight years since our father has passed and, in my heart, I always knew that the day would come when we’ll no longer have any contact. And that it would be my doing. Because being cut off from those I love had become the norm in my life.

As a child, I remember dad taking my younger brother and I to visit my older brother in Maryland and Virginia. My brother was raised by Christians and he had high moral standards. Other my dad, I never felt any other connection to my brother. In fact, we were vastly different. He grew up in the suburbs and in church. I grew up never feeling like I belonged anywhere. I was never good enough for anyone. Much less for someone as my brother who lived righteously.

It was time for me to move from Queens into our new apartment in Manhattan. I’m notifying family and friends of our new address. Yet, I have no desire to contact my brother. Believing in my heart that I’m better off without him in my life and vice a versa.  After all, it’s not like he has ever approved of me. One less person to judge me. One less person for me to feel that I’m not good enough for. His children don’t need to have someone like me in their lives. I’m not thinking about what the future holds.

 As one who his mother comforts, so will I comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
(Isaiah 66:13 ESV)

Sadly, we often don’t think of the ramifications of our actions. Six years had passed since I cut my brother and his family out of my life. There was this growing desire to reach out to him. I missed him and I wanted to tell him I was sorry for not staying in touch with him. I wanted to explain how lost I felt since childhood and I just didn’t feel that I could ever measure up to him.

With his phone number still etched in my mind, I called him on his birthday in 2008. Six years later. No answer. But the outgoing message confirmed it was still his number. I waited another year. His birthday. A woman’s voice answered, introducing herself. It’s my niece. Never did I imagined what followed. “Dad died last year. He looked for you the last two years of his life. He had cancer that wasn’t addressed, and it metastasized. He really wanted to see you!” I was stunned! Tears saturated my skin as the streams cascaded downward unto my clothes. I couldn’t believe it! He was looking for me. He wanted to see me. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to tell me he loves me.

When it’s too late to make amends!

“I stopped talking to him because I always felt that he didn’t love me. That I was never good enough for him”, I heard myself telling her. I can hear the anger and disappointment in her voice, “He didn’t like the choices you made but he always loved you. You were his sister! He never stopped looking for you. He searched everywhere!” She hung up. In that moment I knew she was done with me. I didn’t know how to take it all in. What have I done? I’ll never be able to apologize. I’ll never be able to hear his voice. I’ll never be able to hug him again. I couldn’t remember if I did any of those things the last time I saw him. I couldn’t remember when the last time was! But I was certain now I’ll never again have the opportunity to. I wouldn’t be able to tell him that I’m divorced and becoming a teacher. That I’m making better choices now.

All I knew was that I needed God to get me through this.

 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
(1 John 1:9 ESV)

For years I carried the guilt and shame. My journey with the Lord hadn’t begun but somehow, I felt His presence as I fell to my knees begging to be forgiven. I kept thinking how he was searching for me throughout those two years before he died. How sad it made him know he couldn’t find me. I cried so many tears.

God is always so faithful and true to His Word. I hadn’t yet surrendered my life to God, but I felt the need to repent. I had hurt my brother. A son of God. My brother loved the Lord. He treasured his relationship with his Creator. He lived out the Gospel. He was an amazing son, husband and father. And little did I know, he was an amazing brother!

He never did anything to steer me in the wrong direction.

 It took time to not feel the depth of my shame and guilt. The sadness never truly escaped me entirely. Through God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness, and me forgiving myself, I’ve learned to value what my brother was trying to teach me all those years. My ignorance kept me blind from receiving his love and guidance that God had given him to bestow onto me. God knew that I wasn’t receiving the spiritual nutrition I desperately needed from neither of my parents. So, He appointed my brother. My righteous brother.

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
(Isaiah 30:21 ESV)

Since then The Lord has shown me that we will always have choices. He’s given us free will to choose all we think, say, and do. Love isn’t love if it’s forced on another person. Nor is it love if God Himself forced us to do what He desires of us. We were created to be in relationship with Him. Not to be in bondage. Yes. He’s Omniscient. Aware of our every move. But we’re not. We’re so limited! We can’t see beyond an arm’s length. We certainly don’t know what tomorrow will bring. We’re clueless to what paths we’ll tread and the consequences it brings us. Our choices matter! Not for His benefit but for ours!

We need eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to receive!

 My brother isn’t the only sibling I’ve been estranged from. But I’ve learned, as I’m now the one who has been cut off, to nonetheless continue loving my sibling. It doesn’t matter if it’s not received. I’ll continue to voice my love. I’ll continue to pray. I’ll continue to hold onto the hope of one day seeing my sibling again.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.
(Proverbs 14:22 ESV)

Crossroads are pivotal points in our lives. All of us encounter them. None of us are exempt. Choices surround us. The ramifications that follow our decisions are always in the unseen world that only God is privy to. The flesh is a powerful entity! It’s relentless in the pursuit of all its desires. But despite its strength, it’s powerless over us when we’re anchored to the Cross!

We must be intentional in our responsibility, always remembering to choose wisely. In that split moment when we’re just one second away from a life altering change, what will we do? Should we do what feels right in the here and now, or should we consider the ramifications of the possibilities to come?  What would Jesus do? I can’t reverse the choice to cut off my brother. But I can choose to never do that again! Not ever! Tomorrow was never promised to any of us. We must do all we can, while we can. Some things are irreversible! There isn’t anything we can do to change that. Except, never allow ourselves to give into the enemy. He only comes to kill, steal, and destroy! That’s it! Jesus came to bring us abundant life!

My dear brother, I love you and miss you beyond words. I’m so sorry for my mindless decision. I look forward to seeing you in heaven!

When was the last time you hugged that person you love?

Dear Lord Jesus, Your amazing grace and mercy fills me with awe each and every day! It gives me life knowing that Your love is always available to us regardless of our ignorance. You’re relentless in Your pursuit of us to turn away from our flesh and run toward You. It’s only in You that we’re able to choose wisely. You’re the Perfect Gift to us! It’s Your power that has victory over the enemy. Forgive us Lord when we submit to our flesh. When we make those irreversible decisions. When we hurt those who are only trying to help us reach the narrow path that leads to You. May we abide in You Lord as our Counselor to always seek what is right and holy Lord! You aren’t a God of division. You’re a God of relationships and unity. You gift us vessels that You use to model and guide us toward You. Help us have the eyes to see, ears to hear, and hearts to receive these ambassadors. Help us adhere to them as they demonstrate what it looks like to live Christ-Like. We need Your Helper to restore these broken relationships that we were meant to have. Help us forgive ourselves for our senseless actions. Help us forgive those who hurt us. We are nothing without You Lord! I thank You Jesus for all You’re doing in our lives.

It is in Your Son’s Name Jesus Christ we pray.                        Song: Heaven Was Needing a Hero
Amen.

God bless you and yours.
I love you.

In His Grip,