The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
(Psalm 34:18 NIV)

The world around was shaking. An earthquake. Everything had shattered to smithereens! Life as I had lived it, was forever changed. Nothing would ever be the same again. An anguish unknown to my being had invaded every fiber of my existence. I was drowning in a relentless cascade of tears. My body in a paralytic state cementing me to my living room floor. The chambers of my heart that sheltered my deepest loves had experienced an acute myocardial infarction. At any moment is was going to exhaust its last thump.

How could this have happened? Things certainly were not the way I wanted but I was thriving in the world I knew. When did I veer off track and was led down this road? My distant past haunted me. Unresolved. It ravished through my most intimate delights and left them in ruins. I was so brokenhearted. The weight was as if a ton of bricks landed on me. Suicide was my answer. That’s what I believed. Everything would end, and I wouldn’t have the shame, guilt, and fears that demanded my attention.

My sins were greater than what I wanted to admit. I was adamant to blame my parents. Mom for not being what I needed and dad for committing the inconceivable. But regardless of how their roles in my life played out, the truth is, they’re not responsible for my choices. I decided to do what I have done. It was me who chose to live immorally. It was my ignorance that prevented me from being the mom my oldest daughter deserved. It was me who chose to cover up my actions with more destructive behaviors. I did that. Not my parents. How do I forgive myself and others? I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t trust myself.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
(Psalm 51:17 NIV)

I heard it said, “There’s no place to go once you reach rock bottom.” Undoubtedly, this was the lowest I’d been in my entire life. Looking up seemed impossible. “Where would I look up to? Who would I look up to? Everything and everyone seem unreachable. I’m desperate. Clinging to hope is what I’m aching for. But it’s gone. I need help. I need answers. And if I don’t get now, I will die!” Those were my thoughts.

I wanted to forgive. I wanted to say I’m sorry. I wanted to be forgiven. As hours turned into days and days into weeks, it became clear that I needed Him. I needed Jesus. I needed to confess and repent. I needed to be forgiven by Him first. That was more important than what others thought of me. It didn’t matter what good I’ve done. It didn’t matter how many achievements I’ve accomplished. What was in my heart was all that mattered. A list of undesirable beliefs needed to be eradicated from it.

I no longer wanted to be that brokenhearted woman who believed death was better than life.

I didn’t know how to change. Although I had my children’s love, I felt so alone in a world I created filled with everything that grieved God. My heart desired change, but my flesh was weak. Instead, drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes were my prescription to mask the pain that permeated my being.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
(John 3:16 NIV)

I had known my whole life there was a God, but I never personally knew Him. One day, as I laid on the cool floor drenched in a pool of tears, I felt this tug, pulling me toward Him. To reach out to Him. I didn’t understand why I would, but I knew I had to. I didn’t know how to, but I knew I had to try. The best I could do was to turn the TV on and channel it TBN. I’d watch one program after another. In between sermons, I smoked marijuana by my window. Watching the outside world from the imprisonment created within my home. I became a recluse.

I never knew what day it was. One blended with the other. Days and nights were spent transitioning between the TV and the window. My heart longed to receive what I heard the pastors say. Jesus loves me. He’ll meet me where I am. I was worth dying for. Jesus willingly died for me. It didn’t matter what I did. It didn’t matter how many times I did it. He did it for me. All I needed to do was repent, and Jesus would come for me. Forgive me. Accept me. Change me. Yet, I just continuously shook my head in disbelief. Not possible. Not me of all people. I’m dirty. I’m tainted. Not me. Nonetheless, I hungered for such a great love. One that I’ve never known. A love only given by Jesus.

Then, I felt a battle being raged. Not with me. But for me. Jesus and satan. I wasn’t understanding what was happening other than that I was the one fought for. This was different than what I’ve experienced in my life. No one had ever fought for me. I felt the love of Jesus. I felt His might. I felt His victory. Dry bones were being resurrected. Suicide is no longer an option. But the enemy didn’t want me to surrender to Jesus and serve Him. He was showing me that he was coming to kill, steal and destroy. He wanted nothing more than for me to end my life.

Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.
(Proverbs 3:4-6 NIV)

It had become important for my actions to reflect my heart. I wanted to make things right but didn’t have a clue where to begin. I could only imagine how Paul felt after he had an encounter with Jesus and then had to prove himself to those he persecuted. For me, it wasn’t just hurting others but also hurting myself by living dangerously. But the more I sought Jesus, the more He was revealing to me to trust Him. He was inviting me to step into a relationship with Him. That He would never leave me nor forsake me. That He wanted me!!

Up until then, trust was a foreign concept. I never believed in anyone. Ever since my childhood I’ve been let down. The only one I did feel safe with, obliterated my trust. My children were always the exception. Yes, I trusted them, but they didn’t know how to give me the help I needed. I’m the one they looked to for guidance. It troubled me to look toward them knowing I’d disappointed them. I failed them.

Having learned to trust Jesus offered the peace I needed. I didn’t have to figure things out. Jesus was working on my behalf. He asked me to continue seeking Him. Day after day. Allow His Word to fill my heart with all the amazing things He wanted to show me. I was falling more and more in love with Him. This truth still holds today!

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
(2 Timothy 3:16-17 ESV)

I became intentional about picking up the Bible daily. The Word is alive and active! They would jump off the page and nestle in my mind and dwell in my heart. I was becoming fascinated with Scripture. All the amazing and crazy stories it tells! It’s the most intriguing Book I’ve ever read! As a teacher by trade with a MA degree, I’ve read many, fiction and nonfiction. But none has ever compared to the inspired Word of God!

My flesh was weak. Change was difficult. Transformation had begun. It was a slow process. I can’t remember when or how it started. All I knew was that I no longer wanted to do drugs. I stopped drinking alcohol. Dating came to an end. I no longer was a recluse. My heart yearned to help the homeless. I knew that could’ve been me. They needed to know there was hope. No matter how or why they got to where they are, Jesus will meet them exactly where they are. There’s isn’t anyone God can’t change. For He was changing me. Nothing is impossible for Him. He saved me from myself. He saved me from satan.

Love is the most extraordinary emotion there is. Jesus exemplified that on the Cross. He chose His torture to be a mediation between us and God for our transgressions that separated us from His Father. It offered us the opportunity to return to our first love, God. He’s the One who loved us first. In return, I must show my love for Him by creating a lifestyle that reflects His righteousness.

Suicide is never the answer. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When we turn to Jesus, He transforms us. He restores us. We can become His vessels to share His love!

Are you willing to invite Jesus to change you?

 Dear Lord Jesus, Your love captivated me. You’re excellent in all Your ways. Your relentless desire to save us keeps me in awe of You. Thank You for sending Jesus to pay my debt in full. Thank You so much for seeing us worthy of the sacrifice of Your only Son. I rejoice in the glorious truth that I can come to You as I was. I pray for all who can’t see, feel, and hear You. The brokenness within them is so profound that they’re convinced suicide is their only hope to end their suffering. Jesus reveal Yourself to them as You’ve done to Paul, me, and others. Show these hearts that You’re for them and not against them. May Your Comforter be upon them, sheltering them. That they may see You’ll never leave them nor forsake them. You’re faithful! Help them know that it’s only through You Lord that they may become a new creation in Christ Jesus. That You’ve won that victory on the Cross at Golgotha.

It is in Your Son’s Name Jesus Christ we pray.                                           Song: I Can’t Believe
Amen.

God bless you and yours.
I love you.

In His Grip,